I’m not a huge reader. I was a major bookworm when I was younger, but now I (over)value productivity. So the reading that I DO do tends to be self-help-y or how-to-y in nature. The type of reading that loops back to being more productive. I don’t know that I’d have ever found this particular book – “Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids” – on my own, but when a friend sent me the link, I was intrigued. Even if I’d just wanted to feel more relaxed about parenting the two I already have, I’d have been glad I read it.
You see, the decision to try to have a third child was a hard one for me. I love independence. I love kids that are old enough to express themselves clearly and forage for food and go to the bathroom by themselves. The youngest is now 4! She can do so much by herself! And I didn’t feel the need to give my husband a son. Probably primarily because he’s never expressed a need to have one. Given that our two girls now have so much self-directed play and learning time, I have time to create! I’ve launched a business and blogged and have about a bajillion plans for more fun things to do. Did I really want to (nearly) stop all of that by hitting the reset button? This isn’t a crafty post per se, but because the time commitment of a baby directly affects whether I’ll have time to do anything creative, and I know lots of our readers (and a lot of my in-real-life friends!) are in a similar place, it’s worth sharing.
The decision to have one kid was pretty obvious to me. I knew I wanted to be a mother. First kid had her challenges, with dairy protein issues and complete refusal to adopt any sort of schedule, but the decision to give that child a sibling also felt pretty clear-cut. But a third? Certainly they could be happy with just each other. And us. A family of four is pretty great. My husband and I both come from families of four. But… that question of whether we were done was killer. As a kid I was so so so (SO!) jealous of larger families. Particularly one that I knew that had 6 kids! 6 is way, way, waaaay out of the question for me. But a THIRD? I was torn. Kids are hard.
 |
| This pretty accurately depicts how the first kid and I both felt a lot of the time for the first, um, year. |
A friend found Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think (affiliate link). She’d unintentionally found it because she was on a more scholarly search for adoption studies and twin research, and that’s the aspect of this book that I loved. It’s full of research-based conclusions about parenting. I’ve read so many opinion-based parenting how-to books that I never ever want to read another. I’ve had enough subjectivity. I’m glad the internet and the world of publishing offer so many perspectives, but after years and years of it, I think I’m all set.
 |
| Confession: I read this on my Kindle. So… no fancy DSLR photos of my dog-eared book with a cup of coffee. |
So, an example. Twin studies show that kids who are raised in entirely different places in different socio-economic environments by different parents turn out pretty similarly. IQ-wise, health-wise, life expectancy-wise. Whether I make dinner from scratch every night (or more than once a week, lately) seems way less important, yes? How many minutes of reading we do a day? Not a big deal. How much TV I let them watch when I’m not feeling up to the task of supervising other entertainment? They’ll be allllright. To summarize the book in very basic terms, it says: Have more kids. Relax. Chill out. All will be okay. For the most part, did I already know all of this? Yes, but reading it backed by evidence made me feel better. A lot better.
Other highlights of study results include: Parents have little influence on how religious children grow up to be. (Say what?!) A big influence on political labels, but little on political attitudes and behavior. Little effect on traditionalism and modernism. Moderate influence over daughter’s sex lives but little over sons. (Oy!) Little or no effect on teen pregnancy. Little or no effect on marriage, marital satisfaction or divorce. All HUGE issues that we stress over as parents! And the author doesn’t say that we should give up or disappear on any of these issues, but to just… relax and accept that not all of it is a direct result of our behavior and parenting.
 |
| Hardly the only time I was concerned that kid #1 was going to eat kid #2. |
The only thing that would make the author MORE credible in my eyes would be the same info coming from a Mom as opposed to the Dad. Carrying the kids, at this point in my life, feels like a pretty big deal, and he can’t speak to that himself. But I’ll let it slide. I’m relaxing now, after all. And I’m able to see more clearly in this third round of pregnancy that the temporary inconvenience of childbearing is indeed worth the long-term benefit of having kids to enjoy. Even if some days they seem less than enjoyable. (Also, I haven’t gotten to the third trimester yet. Or the post-delivery sleep deprivation phase.)
 |
| I’m pretty sure I’m not the only mom who keeps photos of her kids looking miserable. But looking back… it’s a good reality check. A balance for all of the cute and happy photos. Some days are just hard. But I don’t have to be so hard on myself this time around. |
So, if you’re on the fence about more kids, or even if you’re happy with the number you have and you want to make yourself feel better about the job you’re already doing, I’d say this is well worth a read. Obviously, I made the decision to proceed with kid #3 despite the challenges of the first two. And this book helped me feel more assured in that decision-making. And the decisions I’m making daily with all of ’em.
Have you read it? Or if you decide to– I’d love to hear what you think.
I don’t have to read the book to know that I want more kids! lol!!! I love having 2 but I know I’d love having more! The problem for us with having 2 kids is finding time to make kids! *wink*
Ooooh geez. I think you’ll figure something out!
I’m sure I’m in the minority here, but I want 10. …ok maybe 6 kids. Certainly in the 4 or more range… I’m a little bitter right now over just how difficult conception has been – still working on conceiving our second after having no problems with the first. I like what you had to say about this book though – so many people only focus on the “work” of having/caring for kids and think you’re just plain crazy to say that you want more. It’s pretty sad. My kid is a total handful 90% of the time, but she’s a fabulous handful. :)
Conception– so annoyingly easy for some, so painfully difficult for others, and even if you find that it’s annoyingly easy the first time, it can still be painfully difficult the second (or third) time. My fingers are crossed that you’ll get your 4/6/10! And that 2nd, etc, are more of a 85% handful. :)
After my third child I was on the fence for a long time about having any more. I wasn’t going to do anything right away, but I also wasn’t going to switch to any permanent or long term birth control options. It wasn’t until my sister became pregnant many years later that I realized that I had no desire to start over. I looked at my family and just new it was complete. I don’t think anything could change my mind about that now.
After my first I saw people giving baby things away and I thought “HOW can they give that AWAY!?! So saaaad! More babies, more babies!” But my feelings have totally shifted. I can finally see soaking this baby up but then gleefully passing all of it along!
Having children and how many and when is such a personal decision and I love that you weren’t pushy or preachy in your post. I have four kids and am so grateful for that opportunity. I am trying to just relax and enjoy them each day, and if in the future I feel like we need another one to complete our family, we’ll go for it. It has taken me a while to not feel rushed and to “hurry and get it over with”. Just relax, enjoy. Take each day at a time. In the end it will not matter how many cute things I’ve sewn or how artistically decorated my home was. It will only matter that I raised my family with love and integrity.
I think I disagree that parents have little or no affect on religious views, teen pregnancy, etc. Home is where kids learn (or should learn) values.
Thanks for the post.
Thanks! I totally agree that they should learn these things at home! What was shocking to me was that the research shows that after trying our best, they’re going to do things that may be entirely contrary to what we tried our best to teach them. That fact doesn’t make me happy, exactly, just allows me to relax… a little.
I enjoyed reading this!
I am a mother of 4 (gulp) and after the first 2 (boys), I was very sure I was not having any more. But then number 3 came along (a girl) followed by number 4 (another girl) and I am soooo glad that I have the four I do.
They are the best thing I ever did and I have still found the time to raise them and craft/sew/paint. I think those first few months are when routines are all over the place, but after that… life just finds its way again.
Good luck with baby number 3, and congratulations!
Marie :)
Thanks! Those few months post-delivery… brushing hair is a creative effort in that constant sleepy state… and I’ll already have two others this time! Hard to imagine. But I’m glad to hear from other moms who’ve survived and are satisfied with the results!
OMGosh! You have no idea how much I need to read that book right now! We are TTC no. 3 but hubby is still on the fence. I am also one of those people that make everything from scratch, do it all etc etc and to tell you the truth…I’m tired! I think I NEED to read something like this to get some perspective and let some things go! Thank you so so so much for sharing this book. I’m off to get a copy RIGHT NOW!!!
Yay! Might be good reading for both of you! For a Dad to read from a Dad’s perspective– gooood.
We’ve settled (for now) at three, and most days we agree our family is complete. They were born in 3.5 years (not planned that way!) which is both a blessing and a challenge. My husband almost passed out when he realized all three would be in college at once. Lately I find myself daydreaming about another baby.
Hmmm — maybe I should wait until the baby fever passes before I read this book. ;) Congrats and blessings to you all!!
Yes, maybe give this one a pass for a bit… unless you want to try to get him to read it too!
I enjoyed this post very much. My experience was very similar to yours. When my husband and I married, we always planned on 3 kids. Then #2 was born, and going from 1 to 2 so SOOOOO much more challenging than I had expected. We went back and forth about whether to have a third for about 18 months. Ultimately, we decided to have the third, and I am now 21 weeks pregnant with baby #3. I am now pretty confident that our family will be complete with 3 little ones, and I am anxiously awaiting the day I can start to unload and declutter my house! First the maternity clothes, then the bassinet, high chair, nursing bras, etc. Oh, I can’t wait!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told that I’m crazy over the last 21 weeks, or 9 weeks really. I am a full-time attorney, and it’s almost unheard of for a female attorney with 3 kids to work full time. As much as I’d like to reduce my hours, it’s just not in the financial cards for us. But so many friends and coworkers look at me either like I’m Superwoman or need a good shrink. Sometimes I want to tell them to just relax!
I found that I really relaxed on a lot of things with kid #2. I attribute that in part to having less time and energy, and in part to seeing first-hand that certain things didn’t seem to hurt my older one at all, so this baby would be just fine!
Ohmygosh the things kid #2 does that kid #1 couldn’t. Was talking to a friend today about how I’m surprised several of my more experienced mom friends were so patient with my early-mom-of-one freak outs. Or maybe just judge-y faces. Yay for #3! (We’ve joked that this one might be the smartest– we could see on the ultrasound that she was sucking her thumb, and the other two never figured that out!)
Congratulations! 3 is GREAT!!! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the dynamic of 3. Of course that is just personal preference. … sometimes I’m wistful for a 4th… that our little girl would have a sister. If that’s going to happen it will only happen through adoption. Love your post. Good stuff. God speed!
-Jude B.
Thanks! :)
I loved this post and now really want to read this book. I had my first two within a year of each other (that’s right irish twins baby!) #2 of course was not planned that that was Hell (living horrible hell for at least 2 years) never mind what it did to my poor body. and it took 5 years (well 4 but we had a miscarriage) to see that life did indeed get better. that children wouldn’t always be the feral little beast they seemed to be when learning how to navigate their world, and independence. and I am SOOOOO grateful for #3. she in many ways is my do over kid. I learned so much from my first two monsters *ahem* I mean children. that this kid is actually really fun to be around. she is hilarious! and I’m enjoying being a mom So much more now at this “horrible toddler stage” than I ever did with munchkin 1 & 2. plus I love that we are rocking the girls club. I’m sure boys are great all that but i was the only girl with 3 brothers. it’s about time I had my own girl club, and it helps that my husband is the most amazing girl dad I have ever seen.
I’m stoked you are having a third baby. kids are awesome. and when we are all old, it will be awesome, having grown kids to come visit, and more chances of playing with granbabies.
So glad to hear that you’re loving it. Another aspect– I never thought about how much fun it would be to watch older kids interact with kid #3. While I”m a bit nervous about baby-grabbing that could (will) happen when I’m distracted (!) I can’t wait to see what they have to say to her. And yay for amazing girl dads!
Love the post, Susan! I read as much of the book as I could in the Amazon preview (I’m a cheater!!) and really liked it. It challenged some (a lot!) of what I was brought up to believe about the influence parents have over their kids, but to be honest, it took some weights off my mind! We do our best, teach our kids what they should know about life, and trust them to God. Can’t do much more than that! The more kids I have, the more relaxed I become about parenting. I think *accidentally* having 3 was the best thing that happened to our family. But we are done now… I’m pretty sure. ;) I feel that completeness. :)
Hey, guess what? I could have written that first paragraph. Yes, this what the thought process my husband and I went through precisely. Three? Do we really want to go through all that baby stuff AGAIN?! (Babies are HARD!) But we decided to add one more family member and our third daughter (welcome to the club!) was born six weeks ago.
I love your blog, and I commend you on the decision for a #3..I myself have only one, I so wanted 6-10 and was anxious to start on the road to craziness with kids. After loosing the first two, I began to think that perhaps I was cursed. Then #3 came along :) I had heard all the other mothers talking about get enough sleep, your not gonna have time for anything etc. etc. I was blessed with a miracle..he slept through the night from day one, he was never sick or cranky..all the things I was told never happened. I cherished each single moment with him because I knew my body couldn’t handle another child. Do I wish for another ..yes I do. Now I’m much older and my son is now 28. He’s made his momma proud in all the choices hes made.
Even if they were bad choices, they were his to make from day one..how else would he have learned? I think the book is a great idea and the essence of it is “just relax” and that couldn’t be a truer statement! Your kids are just that “yours” you raise them how you see fit and trust them to do the right thing and make the right choices!! Other than that you pray alot LOL So have faith in your decisions, never break a promise, and live life to the fullest, after all we only have one (life) and we should make it amazing!!
Any advise – I have 3 sons. Aged 6,4 and 1. We are happy and I feel like I can finally come up for air. However, I’ve just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant. I don’t want the work load and was looking forward to moving on with the 3 we have. I really don’t want to be pregnant but don’t think I could do anything about it. Help.
Wow, Nat. I haven’t been in that spot, exactly, but having 3 and the littlest being very little… I can imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. You know exactly what you’re getting into and you know it’s exhausting. I’m not going to have a pro-choice or pro-life argument on crafterhours, and your comment seems to indicate your choice would be to continue the pregnancy. In that case, I think the only thing you *can* do, is choose to focus on the good parts. I mean, this post and this book are all about the good reasons to have more. That’s exactly what I got out of it – that despite all of the exhaustion and worry that comes with it, there are lasting and significant reasons to have more. My hope is that you find energy and love that you didn’t know you had or could ever have.
I respectfully disagree on many points that the book made. I do believe it’s possible to guide our children in the ways of our faith and in matters of sex whether they be male or female. It’s called open dialogue. I’ve always openly dialogued with my girls about both, because I’ve seen successful older parents with grown children (who turned out SUPERB) do the same thing (and they got it from someone else and so on). No, it doesn’t mean you stress out about these issues, but you do openly dialogue from the point when they’re very young. My kids have seen childbirth, thanks to BabyCenter.com. They know the stages of pregnancy, including the massive amount of pain in L&D. They’re aware that sex can tear apart marriages, as we’ve talked openly about divorce (and how that simply is never God’s plan for our lives). We’ve talked about the joys of taking some time to pray about a big decision before making it. And I’ve modeled all these things for them. It’s not always easy, but it is the right thing to do.
This book may be talking about the majority of the population, but it certainly isn’t talking about those of us who choose to be SAHM’s and put our family’s first in everything, which Christianity calls us to do. I don’t feel deprived either, so please don’t assume that. This is my calling as a wife and mother. God first, husband second, kids third, self last. It’s a timeless, classic model that doesn’t fail and even if it “goes out of style” I don’t care. It’s what’s right.